Last time we saw each other, my dad told me that may be the last time we see each other.  That was just over a week ago.

I had it in my mind that this blog was long gone. It's not! And even more of a surprise: I wrote in it pretty recently. Almost two years ago but that seems pretty recent because when I think of my blog(s) I think of high school and first year of university. I guess I'll keep leaving and coming back. Or coming back and leaving.

Anyway, I'm glad it's still around. As embarrassing as it is to see what I was really thinking or feeling; no hiding who I am from who I would want to be or seem. This year is shaping up to be an interesting one in a quiet way. Sure there's my Paw Paw's death and the reintroduction of my dad (and so, Joan) into my life. But the quieter changes are more dramatic for the long-run, I suspect. Changing plans and acknowledging things about how I deal with other people, make decisions, and basically am. I was pretty negative for a while, which was a change for people around me. I didn't like them worrying but it was all I wanted to talk about. Disillusionment was what I felt but now I'm starting to see that feeling disillusioned can mean just the opposite is going on. Then again, I'm sure that has to do with the fact that I finally found jobs for the new year and have something "going on" again. Oh well. Lesson still learned. I'm happy to be back.

i miss J. the idea? what i thought it was, or maybe even just him. no, i think it's just that i can't believe there is someone (multiple people, now) who i was once so close with, but because of things that happened, we just aren't and probably can't talk again.

tonight i was at a wedding for a labmate. i think they have a good chance.
it was also the first time i was at a mass in a long time. i was surprised - it reminded me of my childhood. and even more surprising - i missed it.

it was an irish church and jesus had red hair and pale skin.

i thought a lot about weddings, marriage, and how my life would change once my brothers were married. i also thought about death, how the deaths of those close to me would change my life in unthinkable ways, yet these were things that would happen one day no matter what.

i was a at a spa for a few days with my mom recently and it was great.

i've been talking to a few people casually, but there are two people from school who make me think i'm settling.

there's something about first loves that is so sweet but so tragic too. the wedding tonight was between first loves, and i really hope they make it. i don't know if i still think marriage is unreasonable for most people. D and i were talking tonight, and we think we've reached a point in our cynicism where we are becoming cynical about cynicism and are returning to what we once and first thought was true. i think it's just realizing that it's a-time to live instead of scoff at everything.

It's been a few years. How about I start this again?




.. in a few days.

what a horrible day.

it's disturbing how much people can mean to you only after such a short while. it made me wonder why we wasted so much time during elementary and high school. the semester was everything ugly and everything great about what life is supposed to be.

i just tried to spell out "since" and wrote "Science" instead. ugh.

since the semester finished a week or two earlier than the regular school's first semesters, i visited what i like to think of as my old high school once or twice before i had to come back for real. i remember sitting in the cafeteria during someone's (whoever i was following) spare, and watching the mouths of near-strangers move. everyone else seemed good friends with everyone else. someone asked me about the semester, and although i wanted to tell them everything about it, it was too hard and i didn't want to bother. talking about it did it no justice. i couldn't even attempt to put into words the impact it had on my life. it's something you have to be shown to know. i just said ".. good". i remember trying to remember everything that had happened in toronto because i didn't want to forget how it was. i wanted to relive the moments. i didn't want to spoil them by sharing with people who just wouldn't understand, who would laugh at the wrong places and think it was just about science.

• that we knew everything
• that together we could figure out the solution to any problem
• that we'd save the day
• that somehow it was meant to be
• that life was vivid and new, fresh and open

it took an acoustic guitar and a couple of maracas for me to remember how things used to be.

i want to surround myself with the ecclectic, the hopeful, the desperate, the creative, the brilliant, the caring, the nurturing, the cynical, the wise, the naive, the radical, the soulful, the angry, the spirited, the enthused, the passionate, the people i remember, the ones i miss the most.

i am the poster girl for birth order theory. everything that's ever been published regarding the "youngest-child syndrome" is expressed in my personality.

not only am i the youngest after three siblings, but i'm the only girl after three boys.
it'd be much different if i were a boy born after three girls. it's a strange mix of feeling like the only-child and the baby. will i forever feel like i have to prove myself to the world?

it's been said that i was only born because my dad, with no sisters, had always wanted a daughter. that three was an odd number, and my mom wanted all of us to have a friend. four kids would be a lot to handle, but since andrew was such a good baby they figured they'd be able to manage a fourth. even my birth ..

it's in seeing my peers moving on. even towards those who are going into first year, i feel it.

i'm the one who's leaving yet i feel like screaming for them to wait up. it's not that i'll be in a spot by myself, it's that i'm not the one who is going first. being left behind.

i want to be the one who's going first, further. i keep having the visual of all four of us sprinting to the neighbour's house when we missed the bus, way back when we still lived in carrying place. when we finally caught the bus, i would sit in the first available seat and cry. not because i was upset we missed the bus, and not because i was embarassed. not because i was tired or mad at the busdriver for not seeing us.

when we were running across the grassy field, my three brothers were out in front, and despite my best efforts to catch up, the distance between us would grow. i was always chasing their backs, lugging all my baggage along with me. they seemed to move so easily, but i was clumsy and slow, short and so much smaller. it was so hard to see once i started to cry, too hard to breathe, to keep from falling down. being left behind was the worst thing in the world. i just wanted to be able to look back and know there were people following me, watching me go as far as there was to go.

tonight i had a second dinner at tomasso's with victoria, dave c, kelsey, and jessica r.

vic is going back to the u.s. on wednesday, otherwise i most definately would have suddenly gotten too tired to go.it was alright. despite the fact that the three other people there were ones i rarely talked to, and that it was at tomasso's (aka black hole of mostly annoying spcss workers).

a lot of people i had forgotten i went to school with were there. it was almost shocking to see their faces ("they still exist?!"). high school doesn't seem that distant, but some individuals really seem so ridiculous and cartoonish that my brain refuses to believe they are real people.

she showed me pictures of her visit to north carolina and the trailer park chris p's family is setting up.

this summer feels like it was wasted. i realized that i've felt crappy pretty much the whole time. a general feeling of melancholy. i didn't earn any money, i didn't gain any real experiences. i didn't help pack up the house any more, all i did was finish the charts. i didn't get my pilot's licence, i still haven't even written that stupid thank you note i'd bought almost a year ago to mrs.mayhew yet.

being so blobbish makes me even more lazy. i wouldn't have even changed out my pyjamas or taken a shower if i didn't have to meet victoria tonight. i can see how anyone would want to be in my position, but that would be because they earned it. i on the other hand, never cease to amaze myself with the number of hours i can waste doing things i don't even remember doing afterward because they were such a waste of time.

and as i've been saying all this summer: ah well.i guess that's the problem. i have this feeling like i need to relax. i'm so stressed out. but the more i relax the more stressed i get. i guess i'm just confusing stress with restlessness.

i worry about julia sometimes.

she had posted a cryptic post and i wanted to know what it meant. it probably would have been easier to read her secret blog, but since it's a secret blog, i doubt i'll be able to find it. i feel strange putting so much effort into something like that anyway. so i looked at her other site, and i guess it's about missing her boyfriend.

i told her at camping how i felt, and she listened very well. and i suppose she can't help how she feels. but from where i'm standing, it just doesn't seem healthy.


but then there's the whole debate about journals being journals and some posts that are only there as outlets to vent through, and other ones being public messages..

i guess i'm just glad i told her what i thought, but i hope everything isn't as crazy as it seems to me sometimes.

it can be pretty difficult to read some of my archived posts.
 
it's as if.. it's bad enough that i know who wrote those words.. i am the person who wrote those words!
 
but sometimes something will pop up that makes me feel .. comforted.
 
 
dot dot dot.
 
i'm glad they're there though.
 
ahh blog no one visits anymore. it has become what i was hoping it would eventually become.

my heart is beating really heavily right now. i have a feeling that i'm one of those people who look healthy enough from the outside but are actually on the brink.

 
a while ago i realized that i didn't want to .. well.. this is hard to put into words.

a few of my friends are in love. it feels strange to say that. i've been avoiding describing them as "in love", but saying "a few of my friends say they are in love" seems like i'm waving their feelings off. i guess they are though. anyway, a few of them are in love. but as much happiness and comfort as that seems to give them, i don't think i'd want to be in their positions.

i guess there are a number of reasons for this.

one of the big ones is that it's reminded me of how distracting relationships can be. it's kind of ironic.. in that sometimes i'd miss what it was like being in one of my pseudo-relationships. but when i was actually going through them, i would rather not be in any relationship of that kind. at all, i mean. maybe it's because it's pretty new and different and what's the word.. unsettling? unfamiliar? confusing? you just don't know what to do. of course, i've never been in love before, but from what i hear (haha) it's not any less confusing.

or maybe it's that i'm actually trying to find a reason for me to disapprove of their relationships. i'm not used to these guys being so serious about guys. it wasn't until julia started dating will that i've noticed this. i wouldn't call shannon a private person, but she's not as verbose as julia about these kind of things. maybe it's because i don't know will. which raises the question of why will would be different since i don't know pierre either. it's not even will personally. i think it's just that they have their own lives now. haha i'm such a mom.

but they do. and that sucks in a way. it's like when i left the science centre. i remember trying to explain to my mom how strange i felt in toronto after that. "we were this group. and we belonged together. and just being in the same city as them was special. we had a place that was meant for us, and we were perfect for it. but now it's gone. we're still in the same city, but we're not that group anymore. we don't belong there anymore, and we're going back to our old places and old faces."  it's hard to see my old friends with new people who are familiar faces to them now. being the home friend is hard. is that why i'm seeking out all these old OLD friends that i had lost touch with? is that my way of making our relationship new again? in a way, we're just getting to know each other again. funny. 3 out of 5 of the people i'm trying to get to know again were the 3 people i called my best friend.

i rarely talk to emma now too. and i could easily see her as being my best friend in high school even though i didn't always confide in her or anything. i guess i just feel she can relate to me more on some things. or maybe it was just because i had the most classes with her.

oh man, how many times have i used the term best friend now? geez, am i in grade 4 again or something? i should get t-shirts made for all of them. haha. aw.

i guess i was older when i went away to school because i did my undergrad in toronto and lived at home.  i think i felt like i was ready to try living away.  still, i t was definitely an adjustment and i did miss home at times.  to be honest i am amazed by you and your perspective on things. i think back to when i was that age and i'm like, man i didn't have a clue.  you seems to be pretty in touch with your feelings and have a lotof perspective on things.  i don't think that there is anything wrong with missing your family or feeling a sense of loss when relationships or circumstances change at any age.
 
i've often been told that i had a lot of persepective on things. by an embarassing mix of people. relatives, teachers.. psychiatrists.. marriage councellors.. (you see where the psychiatry comes in?)

is it strange that i exchange regular emails with my thirty-something grade 12 calculus teacher? i've opened up a lot to him, and he has to me, i guess. if i didn't know jen did as well, i probably would have stopped a while ago, just because of feeling it was inappropriate somehow. i like having an adult friend. a lot. it's really great sometimes. plus mike is a really nice and funny guy. it's pretty neat. i accidentally ruined his favourite pen while in the centre for a volunteering, and also left him a note calling him a jerk (it's a semi-long story. medium length), so he wrote me an email telling me his ..well here it is:

oh wait i deleted it long ago. basically that's how it started. once we were discussing the possibility of fate. i was marvelling at how random and lucky the universe seems to be. how amazing it is that there are such things as culture, society, art, computers, fashion, and so on, when really it all came from a bunch of protists. all this is just luck. it would be near impossible to accept, except that it's right here in front of me. but i suppose the best way to explain it all is how my second term bio prof put it:

in a game of golf, when someone hits a drive and hopefully, if you're somewhat competent at the sport, it doesn't land in the sand pit, you'll find the ball sitting comfortably between these two blades of grass. out of the whole golf course, it landed between these two blades. the odds that the ball would land on these two specific blades are incredibly poor. and it's very likely that the ball would never land on these two specific blades again.. at least not for a mind-numbingly long time. but it did.

 

so i've obviously forgotten where i was going with all this.

 

it's late and i should get going soon.

after coming home from the un-trip and later the nerdery semester, i wanted to tell everyone how unhappy i was. not just that, but how out of place i felt, and how it was as if i was living in the past. that i had already moved past so many things, but i had to go back and re-live them. i was so tired of all the gossip and superficiality i had to deal with, and it was as if i were being stifiled. i didn't miss my old friends when i was gone. i didn't want to humour people, and i didn't want to be where i was.

but i didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. so i didn't talk about it, or i at least minced my words when i did choose to talk about it. my friends still don't know what it was like for me during those times, and i don't really care to let them know.

i remember asking dayna how the experience was when she spent a summer in quebec in the french program. and she said that it was amazing and it was probably just like how i felt when i was at the nerdery. i remember thinking that it was impossible for a crummy time like that to compare with the one i had. maybe harsh and maybe wrong, but it was what i thought at the time.

yet now i'm reading about how emma came back from paris and is more or less feeling the way i did after i came home from those times.. and i don't really know why i bothered mincing my words.

i've been chauffeuring everyone everywhere today. and it's not even 11am yet. andrew thought he had to work but my dad wasn't at his place so instead we rode around on the ATV (aka big red. hahaha). it was fun. and surprisingly tricky at first.

From :  Pat
Sent :  July 24, 2004 4:35:54 AM
To :  Steph Subject :  Wei-ming!! 
 
 Steph,    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhha, that is fucking hilarious I had forgotten about all that stuff, but its hilarious how nerdy we were....are.. Anyways, holy shit, its been a long damn time since I have seen you. I bet you look the same, maybe with longer hair, actually maybe its shorter now?!? Anyways, yeah this summer I am doing nothing but working and jamming and hanging out with people. No goals really, except to try to pay all my tuition in cash. Yeah yeah, I know what you're thinking righht now.... "Tuition?!? What the fuck" Yes believe it or not Paddy made it to college. So yeah, going to St. Lawerence for graphic design, which isn't too bad, but my actual plan for college is to get signed to a record label. We'll see how that goes, I might just end up doing my homework, but I still want to play lots of shows. It's gonna be great. But that's enough for now, till you learn to write more words this is all you get. Take Care,
Paddy


figures he's going to school with a friend (or more?). julia had told me mike is going to st.lawrence as well. i remember mike saying he wanted to be a civil engineer. i wonder what he's going to college for. it's cool he's going to school though. pat, that is. like i said before, i had tried to write him back during my last month at mac, because i had been sitting in the mills reading room and was suddenly reminded of our wierd zelda obsession.

i think it had to do with the blind boy who was studying in front of me, and gossiping with his short friend girl. they were talking about sex and one was explaining the hidden meaning between 69 to the other. hahaha i'm sure i was annoyed at the time, but now it's just funny.


andrew found a father's day letter/card to my dad in the boathouse today. it was written by sara and octavio, joan's daughter and her husband (sara's). i didn't have any reaction at first, but now it reminds me of how joan shows me all of sara's baby's pictures, and tells me "oh you just have to meet her, she's the cutest thing!" and how octavio is "this nice roman boy.." and gives me a disco wink. how they have sara and octavio over, and how octavio loves my dad and my dad takes him and joan's dad out on cruises and such..

ugh, it makes me so sick. i want to puke.

yet when she's actually telling me, that is to say, at the time, i'm all ooing and ahhing at the right times, like i would to anyone.
either my dad figures everything's alright and everyone's already well-adjusted to this whole situation, or he's just ignoring it.

he wanted to take andrew and myself to osh kosh (begosh!) for their famous airshow. he said we'd camp out under the wing of the plane in a field with all the other people who had flown in. it'd be soooo fun. then he mentioned joan would come too. she'd stay in a bed-and-breakfast of course. but he didnt' even run it by andrew and myself. the plane isn't even meant for four people. so andrew said that if joan was coming, he wouldn't go, and my dad got really angry about how andrew had "dropped this grenade" on him. even though we've written him letters about how we don't want to see her when we see him. ugh. she's is SO nice to me.
i don't like sara's child. joan referred to my dad being her grand"daddy". and it made my stomach feel watery and warm. it made me have diarrheaaaaa!

eugh. i think i mention diarrhea in every other post.
so a while ago there was an arbitration between my mom and my dad. my mom basically had the losing end, and so has to give up a lot of money that she doesn't have to various parties. my dad wants to use this money to rent planes to get andrew and i our licenses. i absolutely abhor the idea of my mom basically paying for flying lessons. it makes me so angry and scared of how good my dad is at having things go his way, and getting you stuck in a corner.

From :  melissa
Sent :  July 24, 2004 7:36:05 PM
To :  steph
Subject :  RE: hi   

Hello!
Yeah, camping sounds good. I can definitely go on Saturday night. Just let me know if you guys are going for sure and what campsite number it is. Yes, my number is 475-5961. So call me closer to the day, just to make sure it is still on, and I will be there. I really want to see people at least once before I go. And I know Zac, we go way back! I talked to him at Sobeys the other day. We are like this _______. (my index and middle finger are crossed). Anyways, I hope it all works out. Can't wait to see you guys!
Melissa  

aww mel!she sounds so much more at ease in this email, compared to the other ones she's sent me. this one reminds me of the way she'd write letters back at st.peter's. this makes me happy.
here's an earlier one to compare with (and also for a recap if you were wondering what she's up to)..

From :  melissa 
Sent :  June 14, 2004 4:22:50 PM
To :  stephSubject :  RE: who ees this?  
 
Steph,
I have to say, titling your email "who ees this?" shocked me. I thought that maybe you came across my email address and you couldnt remember who it belonged to or who I was.  Then I read your email and it was all better. I was very happy to hear from you.

I am also very happy that you guys came to see Les Mis and I can't believe I didn't see you. I know I was busy and everything, though. Do you remember what night you went? I also saw Shannon there one night with a whole bunch of her friends that I didn't know.  I also know it was partly my fault because I was supposed to call you guys and tell you when the play was. Sorry, I was so busy!! But thats no excuse. Sorry. I'm really glad you guys liked it.

Yes, I have been working full time at Hollandale since the end of April. Yes, I am going to UBC, in Vancouver, in the fall. I dont know yet when I will leave. Probably the last week of August. I dont have an apartment yet, it is too early to look. I am moving there with my boyfriend, Mike, who will be at UBC as well.  He is in Forestry, and did his first year at Lakehead. I will be in Arts for first year and then technical theatre second year and beyond. My parents are happy. They will miss me but they are really excited for me. Plus, we are driving there, so I'll get to see the rest of Canada, which I have never done.

All I do right now is work, go through my room and get rid of all the junk I have, hang out with friends whenever I can,etc. What are you doing? are you working? How did you like your first year of school? Now it is your turn to fill me in!

I would like to see all of you before I go, at least once, so call me next time you guys are going out, even if it is just a movie or dinner or something. What do you guys do? Do you hang out a lot. I mean you dont have to organize something specifically for me, but nxt time you are going out, maybe just give me a call.
Anyways, I'll talk to you later.
Melissa  

maybe it had to do with the fact that the last time we talked led to me basically (and i regret to say..purposely.. only a little though) messing up our plans to get together.
she always refers to herself as melissa. i remember her mentioning how no one at enss called her mel, and once she ran into curtis w and he yelled out "mel!" and everyone was wondering who he was yelling at.

aw green bean.

i've been flipflopping about a date to meet up with mike and jen. i think it's getting to jen a little, anyway. i used to go 110% to meet with any of the nerdery folk, but now.. it just doesn't seem to be worth it. as bad as that sounds. maybe it's because it's been so long since the semester (it seems), that i've forgotten a lot of how i felt while there (i miss the feeling). or that after being at mac for pretty much a year, i still didnt' get together with any of the ones who were there, which made the gap between us seem larger.. maybe it's because it seemed like only a few of us were putting forth the effort to get together.. maybe it's me becoming more conscious of just how much money it costs to go to toronto for just a few hours..

most likely all of those. it's too bad though.

i found Sophie's World the other day, and so i've started to reread it. it's such a good book. and it's made me wonder if i lost any of that philosophic, child-like view of the world. have i become jaded?


yesterday everyone was home and it was very nice.

i've been reading some old posts. and i'm beginning to realize that first year wasn't as bad as i tell everyone it is.

this summer has been pretty much what i've been expecting.

and that's all i mean to say right now.

whenever i ask myself "is it too much to ask--" the answer is almost always yes.


can't help but wonder though. really, it can't be THAT much to ask for..

i want to say that i'm extremely proud of my friends.
it just hit me.

fancy seeing you here

So much for "still keeping blogger". I still receive those weekly page visit summaries and it turns out that after over a month of no new entries, people are still visiting here. usually in the disgusting hours of the day, probably after visiting all other journals and seeing no new entries and feeling desperate to read something. or am i the only one who does that?

I must admit, i felt a twinge of nostalgia clicking the "remember me?" box while logging into blogger.

so here's to nostalgia. it's great. aMAZing. GORgeous. GLORious.
(i hope you didn't just think "mazgorglor" and wonder what it meant)

speaking of (nostalgia), i must take this time to reiterate how much better mid-90s music is than any other kind. (yes, i did actually type out "grunge is glorious!" but i've wisely taken it out... then put it back in.. just now.. hum).

so what has changed since the last time i've posted?
going by what i wrote about before:
- i don't like alastair anymore. in fact i'm starting to find him annoying.
- swimming season is over (there is still practice though)
- next year's captains are going to be kimmy and kat for the girls, scott and kevin for the guys. very good choices, i think
.. more than that has changed, but i'm assuming the people who visit here also visit my lj so i won't bother with the re-cap.

i WILL however, recap tgso to the best of my wanting to.

tgso - Thank God Swimming's Over

It was fun.

I found out something somewhat shocking the other day. We paid $100 towards "team funds" earlier in the year. and guess what this goes to. supplying alcohol to the team parties! i was taken aback and verging on offended. If i had known this i would have gone to more parties. and brought thermos's.

dee has been irritating me like the world's worst rash lately. i realize that it is not at all her fault, but that doesn't stop me from avoiding her. this morning, the rookies and second years took out some of the recruits to breakfast at commons. on my way out i saw allison from sci centre, and so i sat with her for a while. i'm really happy about how we can be away from each other for such a long time, but it doesn't affect our dynamic. but anyway, it turned out leah and steph c had been waiting for me the whole time, and so we left together but when steph c went to go to her rez, leah and i walked home, us off- campus bums. I also saw christian (a swimmer) at commons, and we had maybe our first real conversation.

on the way home, we were passed by kim and her twin chrissy on bikes, and alli, who was on the handlebars of chrissy's bike. it looked straight out of the eighties. they were all wearing bummy clothes and it was just all so campy and hilarious.

allison told leah that we should go over to her house (she lives with carly, naomi, jenne, carolyn (all swimmers), and jess - a girl who swam last year) before going to tgso, which was to be at colin h's house.

dee messages me: "steph dude! where did you go too?"
i was annoyed right away. see? she didn't even do anything wrong. it's just that she cared, that she wanted to know where i had disappeared to after commons, etc etc.
she tells me she'll call me later and we'll walk over to colin's together.
this annoyed me because she assumed i'd walk with her. see? nothing wrong again.
i told her i heard people were meeting at alli's. she says oh. i say i'll see her there.

later, dee messages me: "dude no one is meeting at alli's"
i think maybe that it was open to only a select crowd and alli didn't want dee there.
i ask who said that, and she says alli did.
oop.

so i go to alli's at around 7:45 as is planned (this may seem early, but we were warned that the boys had been drinking since noon) and sit around. dee comes in eventually. i'm not sure what she thought. she said that she was supposed to meet alli at 8 and when no one contacted her she decided to just come over and see what she saw. i guess she was unhappily surprised, but glad she found us. hurt? i dont know.

the party itself was good, i thought, but later kat said that it was the worst tgso she had been to. because the captains didn't care anymore, and alumni weren't there and so on? jeff b was there, and kipp.. who i guess counts as alumni?

to be honest, i had been looking forward to this night. i had planned on getting drunk and being stupid. i didn't do anything that i regret or out of character, but it was out of character anyway. i spent a lot of time with kipp and leah. i talked to christian a lot. he's in biomedical engineering and is going for medicine. gabe (the most hilarious/disgusting/annoying/entertaining drunk ever) spoke german to me. then he told me he knew some chinese and he spoke what he knew. it was fucking disgusting what he was saying. jane and i had some good stupid talks. i think she just wants a release from stuff she's been feeling lately. she's not the kind to go out to get really drunk, but she was. she's taking a break from swimming and i think she's just been burnt out. steph c promised not to do anything insane like rookie night, or pimp n' hoe, but i remember watching her dance with gord's hoodie strings while gord was wearing the hoodie. it was pulled so tight he couldn't see but he was dancing nonetheless. gord kept spilling everywhere and noticed my "algebra is for lovers shirt" so told me that his "favourite is 9 divided by 3". he also likes remainders. people would ask me how i'm doing and i'd tell them great. "just great?" "AMAZing. GORgeous"

i think i've always harboured a secret crush on kipp. i used to take it seriously, but not anymore. when you talk for a long time with anyone, people start to worry you two will suddenly begin to make out. maybe this has some truth to it. but i thought people were just too worried about me yesterday. i'm sure while talking to christian people thought something. we were sitting on a chair together. then with kipp much through the night. we went to quarters together with leah but it seemed too long a wait so we came back. when back i was talking to jim for quite a while. i think he was trying to be insightful. he asked me what happened sunday night. i said i don't know, i didn't go to the CIs afterparty. and i guess that was what he was talking about. he was telling me i have to live for the now and say "yes more please!" because this is GLORious. and so on and so on. kipp was making faces at me from behind jim's head so i was distracted some of the time. katrina appeared abruptly and took me up, and brought me back to her house with sam, geoff, and leah. we were hungry and like to go to her house after parties. she makes us good food. katrina doesn't have the most respect for jim and told me he was just hoping to get me in his pants. perhaps true. but i was having fun anyway. but i'm glad it didnt' end badly, and that she was looking out for me.

so geoff showed up! he's a great guy. he impressed me a lot last night, the things he was saying. he's very level-headed and hilarious and sensitive and understanding and just the best kind of friend you could hope for. he was saying how incredibly teamcesteous the swim team is. compared to his rowing team, where there's only maybe one boy who tries to make out with all the girls, our team was gross. sam commented on how once everyone was drunk, all they want to do is make out with each other. she made some remark implying i had been the target of many people. well maybe i wanted to make out with everyone, but i didn't say that. and it wouldn't have been the wittiest of retorts.

so we were watching pretty woman and eating ice cream and chips. sam was antsy. i think she was unhappy about the party as well as worried about jane, who had been brought back to her rez by adam. adam, she said, was one of the only people she'd trust with jane right now. of course, jane does like adam. and adam doesn't like jane that way.

it's a complicated world.

hooooraay

julia, you complain the most and the quickest when i haven't blogged in a while. yet you do not reciprocate with the occasional semi-thought out comment. well, no comment ever.

shanno, you too.

ya jerks.

no_bass is the user name that has been decided on by the person who is me.

but i can't wrap my tiny little head around the weird set up of ljs, so vote me for ms.blogger of the year.

i went to swimming today for the first time in over a week, and after two semi-major meets. well, one anyway.

gaye was maaad. or at least, as mad as he could let himself be when it involves such a loverly, pleasent, all-round great gal such as myself. he told me that there was no way i was sick for a whole week, that i was sick when i talked to him, not when.. something something. usually he smiles or jokes around with me when he sees me. the guys aren't shaving until ous, which i had forgotten about. and tim's goatee shocked me. gaye smacks our asses with flutter boards to make us get into the pool faster. i was still taking a long time, and gaye told me my ass was getting red. haha

why it didn't sink in until now, i'm not sure.

i'm sure there are some people who think i was just being wimpy, and since everyone is sick to some degree, they think that i shouldn't have stayed away for so long, when i could have come back. i'm waiting for someone to say something to me, so i can yell at them and so on. but no one will.

i look like i have jaundice. everyone else disagrees. it seems to amuse people that i still have a tan. they like to tell me this. well, maybe they aren't so much amused by it, but say it like "and geez, you still have your tan too" as if, you haven't been swimming, and yet you STILL have your tan. who the hell do you think you are?

but some other people have been really nice! rosie gave me a hug. she seems so genuine. but i wonder if it's a part of her plan to become team captain. just kidding, she is a nice girl. a few others asked how i've been lately. nice gestures.

there will be an outing this saturday, after the meet.

leah and i have come to the mutual decision that we should spend more time with each other, hanging out and whutnot, outside of swimming. especially because we've both fell to the second-semester blues, quite badly, at around the same time. she has something to tell me, she says. it's probably about chris.

alastair is cuuuute. i do believe that it would be a bad thing for anything romantic (ieww aha. barfo.) to happen during the semester as we are physics buddies, and awkwardness would get in the way of the scholastics, which would be unfortunate. aww.. he's a good guy. i want to go on, not about him, but about stuff that went down (WENT DOWN, BIZZATCH) yesterday. monday, i mean. basically, i noticed that he started using phrases that i'd been saying, and vice versa. or maybe we'd both been saying them. no, that's simply not possible. as well as some actions. like this... and this...

see?

aw. lameo. i know, i know.

I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO SATURDAY.

a heartbreaking work of staggering genius makes me chortle. like garfield.

i downloaded kill bill in two parts, a long time ago. i wasn't able to watch it, but i kept it around anyway. i just discovered (it's a discoveryyy!) that i can watch the second half, but not the first. how odd. so i did watch the second half. it's not confusing but i wish i could watch the first first.

and that, my friends, was post-worthy.

eunice and i believe that robin regrets not deciding to stay here. and her reason? us, because we are amazing and hilarious and intriguing, and better than lots of things.

here's a big THANK YOU to steph w of the w-town stephs for telling me the name of the song!! i finally managed to find it, and i've given it a good listenin' for.

i'm not sure why i'm writing so strangely lately. not in past posts here; this is the first post in this strange brave new writing style. but in the lj, as we like to call it, are some crazy cocaine posts.

and when i call you beautiful..

i wish you'd comment more. you make me sad.

i noticed i throw around the word "hate" a lot when it comes to very obviously joking things (telling people i hate them when they do mildly offensive things), not at all when it comes to some more (i hate that celebrity) and the other extreme i can't really figure out. oh wow..

oh yeah, but i don't say love a lot, i think.

eye laike two tawk bout meself.

dont' we all.

see?! weird and cocaine-seemingly induced

now dance, you bastard!!

yesterday was a full day. when i stood by my bed, preparing myself to climb up (i think i'm hurting my hip and knee joints everytime i climb up), i thought about recent events. i then realized it had all happened in the same day, today (.. yesterday).

i went grocery shopping with leah, who has the car on mondays. it is now our grocery day, for that reason. it's amazing, what luxury, grocery luxury. she got new glasses, they look really good. they're armani (cue: ooooo) and make me want new glasses.

mondays are my hell-day. it's full of classes and one-hour breaks that are pretty much useless. it starts at 8:30, and with chem, of all things. then calc, then bio, then an hour break, then physics, an hour break, then a three hour phys lab, then right into algebra. i finish at 6:20.

the physics lab was supposed to only take fourty minutes to an hour. alastair and i were late for algebra when we came out. this means we took over 3 hours to do it. our graphs looked totally different from everyone else's, which meant they were wrong, except that they weren't wrong, because we were doing it all right, and the t.a. couldn't see where we went wrong, and the graphs made sense, the only thing was that everyone else's looked different...

it was an irritating lab. but i talked to a few other people and met one or two who seem pretty funny. and are in my lecture section, which i didn't know about. i should look around at the people in my classes more often. his name is adam, and he commented on my white blouse which i was wearing under a t-shirt. the cuffs were very puffed out and pirate-like, because i like to roll up my sleeves when i take notes (my arms get suprisingly sweaty) and it's too much effort to do up the "cufflink" (it's just a button sewn into another button. double button), especially when you have to do it yourself, one-handed. so i left it, and it was flopping around, like a big bell. well, not like a bell, but you get the idea. there was also paint on it from grade-nine. but i've been talking about these cuffs for much too long already. the point is, he commented on my cuffs (i think it was a positive comment, but i don't really remember now. i think he meant it as one, anyway) while we were both waiting to get the t.a's help. when he introduced himself, he was holding a metre stick, and held it out for me to shake, as if it was his hand. he's a friendly guy. i bet he's off-campus, because he's trying to make friends. or maybe he's just a friendly guy.

this term we have to hand in actual formal reports for our physics labs. last year the labs weren't really too serious, you got full marks if you completed it on time. i guess it's better this way, but then i end up blogging when i should be finishing my lab that is due in (less than) 2 hours. priorities? yes, i have mine straight.

so alastair and i also have algebra together. i was planning on skipping it, going to swimming, then going to the other section's algebra the next day. this did not work, because now we were going to finish the lab together. so after being late for algebra, chuckling to myself about the algebra prof (he wears the TIGHTEST pants! and talks like it) we were off to brandon hall, and alastair's room. FOR HOT SEX. for physics.

we ended up working on it for a surprisingly long time. i didn't get home until 10 or 10:30? it was a good time, we talked a lot about random things. someone came in to interview us for their health sci inquiry video. brandon hall was where i wanted to be, back when i was going to go into rez. i felt sad that i wasn't in rez. like i said to alastair, it's not that it's bad where i am, it's just that it's better over there. i saw j.loo, who has a single room (lucky bastard) and who i hadn't seen since acapulco. caught up, i guess, with him. alastair walked me home lest i get kidnapped and so on. he's from a farm. and speaks portugese fluently because he spent his last year of high school in brazil. i hated to ask him to speak it, but i did anyways. he told me what he said (the typical, "what do you want me to say? i can say stuff. hello, i'm talking"). it was an all around pleasent time. despite the physics.

we are the t.a's favourite. he was robin's physics lab partner last year, oddly enough. the world has so many connections, it's cuh-ray-zay. i was talking to robin (boy robin) last night (this morning) about that. the coincidences blow his mind! haha

ah yes.

so anyway, it was a good time. i stayed up and hung out in eunice's room. i like her a lot, we get along very well. i've decided that now that i've acknowledged the perks to being off-campus, i should take advantage of them. if i can't get to know and be close friends with the 40-some people on my rez floor, i can still get to know my housemates well. i'm really glad i'm living with eunice next year. the new girls seem really nice. but i'm disturbed by the fact that aldo showed them my room without my knowledge. he is not allowed to enter/open my door without my knowing/being there. aggrivating.

i talked about the importance (or lack thereof) of similar religion to the success of a relationship to eunice for a long time last night. for pretty late, actually. she's been introduced to a "nice christian boy" (as we call him now. haha) who is also in engineering. she thinks he's been saying "all the right things" but i think he sounds a little self-absorbed, and like he's always trying to convince everyone (and thereby, himself) that he's doing okay in engineering. some of the things he said (online convos) sounded like something an interviewee would say, the answers prepared ahead of time. anyway, i told her not to slip him into a mould she creates of the perfect guy, like one can tend to do, when they meet someone they don't know too well, but who seems great. we create a personality for them, then feel cheated when they don't fufill it.

adam from swimming said kris the rower (who doesn't row. remember him?) is on his floor, and is a big playa'. haha "playa'". this, is unfortunate, but i could see it. i think university did it to him.

the other day, i was walking across campus to calc and thought that i should invent some kind of ear-warmer, like a mitt for your ear. but then i realized they were ear-muffs. and i'd never wear ear-muffs (this is a lie. but oh well). so i sat on the curb and weeped bitterly.

my ass hurts.

tra lalla

so ..... whutcha' thinkin'?

look at that. i actually did post about it.

i was in the eaton's centre this past saturday, running ahead of my mom because the mall was closing. she knew she was keeping me back, so she told me to go ahead and she'd catch up with me at the shoe store (we're such a team!). "just get in the store before they close it!"

i booted it (booted what? i don't know. my ass, i guess) up the escalator and as i power-walked down the hall, i glanced back to see how far back my mom was. she was briskly walking up the moving escalator, right on the heels of this line of young people who were also briskly walking up the moving escalator. i thought it funny how everyone looked like they were trying to grab last minute purchases, like myself. i continued booting whatever i was booting, hoping to grab those winter boots i desperately needed (yes, i am desperate for boots. what can you do) but didn't really want, from that store that, of course, was on the other end of the mall.

i was concentrating on where i thought the store was. i couldn't actually see it yet, but i could tell it was coming up soon. i was about to make it. i was walking fast, like those middle-aged ladies who dress up in spandex and headbands and march down sidewalks in pairs, talking about their kids and cooking recipies, or at least that's what someone like me would assume they'd talk about. the store fronts on my left and right were clanging as their chain-barriers were lowered/slid into place. it was like i was running from an explosion, with fire at my heels, catching up to me.

i heard voices behind me. they said, "excuse me, miss?! miss?" i thought that it might be directed towards me, but instead of turning to check, i kept walking. if it was for me, it wouldn't go away. and it didn't. so i thought i had dropped something and someone was trying to return it to me. i kept walking, thinking i could just turn around later, or my mom would be there to pick it up, my trusty back-up. but they were getting closer, and i glanced back, but ended up fully turning because there were three smiling girls (well, young women, i guess), my age or about there, who arranged themselves in a sort of tiny three-person semi-circle (actually, i guess it was exactly like a tiny three-person semi-circle) in front of me. something was going on, i didn't see any dropped mitten or scarf. i recognized one of them as one of the girls who was briskly walking up the escalator in front of my mom. had they been chasing me this whole time?

"we couldn't help but -- we were wondering if -- your sweater, it says OSCS--"
oh my god, it wasn't the new semester, was it??!! when in doubt, ask. "oh my god, you're not the new semester, are you??!!"

it was like a party. they kept coming, out of nowhere. suddenly there's five of them, then more and more. i'm impressed by their ability to actually go around in big groups. we talk and talk, and laugh, and talk. the semi-circle gets bigger, my mom catches up to us, the boots go unpurchased. they're so fun and awesome! i like them. i want to keep them all. i can't choose. i invite myself to their graduation (next saturday. this saturday, i guess). we talk about (make fun of) gabe a lot, since i don't know alisa very well. we talk about what's still the same, what's different. they have to take three courses, and they got rid of scisoc. they name who they've met so far, and describe the ones they don't remember the names of. we talk about human skulls hidden in the lounge and other strange oscss things. i tell them things people who had already gone to oscss told me. they dismantled one of the robots with a flail. they have homeroom. one of them is one of allison's friend's little brother. i talk a lot, they tell me a lot of stuff. it was fun. i miss you guys.

because you're still sitting on the edge of your chair, wondering whatever will stephanie do without her winter boots: i found a better pair the next day. they saved me. oh oscss, is there anything you can't do?

i had a great weekend. i will elaborate later; crazy random things happened. so i don't forget, remind me (i really will tell you, this time) to tell you about how i was chased down by the new semester of the nerdery. #43, i think it is.

what is the name of the song that has the lines:

and if i call you beautiful, it's cause i can. and if you think i'm suckin' up, i sorta am.

i think it's by the odds, but i'm not too sure..

SNAPPY!!

my room smells funky. it's time for a crazy clean-up.

eyem soh saad. eye miss things that arr gohn phorever.

i'm going into toronto tomorrow because i started to cry while talking to my mom.

this is what happens when you only make friends with swimmers, then you get sick. you realize you need a wider circle of friends. leah said she missed me. there is a meet at guelph this .. tomorrow. i will not go. i haven't talked to any coaches. i haven't been to a practice in a week. i wonder what they're thinking. if they're worried, or if they're annoyed, or if they're indifferent.

my dad said that he talked to my nainai (his mom) and she said that i am a remarkable girl, and that there is something very special about me. i feel like of all people who i can turn to and empty out my little puke-bucket of joan/parents/divorce related puke-shit, it is her. because i feel like she and i go through much the same feelings. where you feel you have a duty to one side, but you still sympathize to the other, where your emotional brain tells you one thing, but you know another thing, where you know that for the sake of a just world, you should act like this (that guy deserves it), but you're too tired of all the hate and spite going around to want to do anything anymore, where you feel like everything's been piled on you (of all people! you!), but you know that everyone's feels this way more or less all the time, so that keeps you from complaining...

i remember her telling me how she couldn't write a christmas card to our family because it was too upsetting for her. she kept thinking about the divorce and how the marriage didn't work, and it made her so sad that she couldn't even write the card. she started to tear right while telling me. it was then that i realized how much of an effect it had on her.

while visiting over xmas, we (my immediate family) started to tell them (everyone else at the dinner) about spirited away and how they (the youngish cousins) should see it. they (the grandparents) would even like it. but then the topic of it being japanese anime came up. my gramma can't even watch anime (no matter what country it is from) because it reminds her of japan and how japan invaded china. obviously my grandparents were in china when this happened, and it still has an effect on them. (NB go read "Rape of Nanking" but remember the bias) it was such a terrifying time for them, that left such a scar, that they cannot eat japanese food, nor watch japanese movies. my grandma started to cry while telling us this. it's hard to learn about china's history without getting bitter, angry, and frustrated. not just when it's being invaded, but when it's doing the invading and raping of it's own.

now..

i've been struck with severe acute homesickness syndrome just in the past few days. i blame the fact that i downloaded damien rice (out of curiosity) and kept some of the songs despite my meh-ness towards them. they tend to make you feel lonely and sad. i really miss .. well, rather than type it all out, i will quote from an email i wrote to a good friend (he is one of my best, strangely enough. life is strange. compared to what, i'm not sure) a while ago:


right. nevermind. i've decided against it.

you know, i really really dislike watching scary movies, but i like having already seen them and knowing the story.

this is all too bad.

i feel sad. it's weird how when you're sad you want to tell everyone you're sad. you're owed something. the world owes me something.

okay, bye.

i'm considering getting a livejournal i'll never write in, just so i can join the mcmaster community like all the cool kids are doing.

my mom says it's the flu, my dad says it's bronchitis. ho hum. i think i caught it from dee, who got a 1:16 in 100 br on the weekend. damn her. it's sabotage.

some of my mom's patients are complete assholes. when she's not seeing patients, she's entering lab reports, or transferring/copying charts for them. seriously, all she does is work. i just got off the phone with her; she's in the basement, working on charts. some doctors don't even touch paperwork outside regular working hours, and meanwhile she gets about 5 hours of sleep a night when she really could be getting more. so while she's doing all this, she's supposed to be charging for all the papershuffling that someone else (i.e. one of her secretaries) is supposed to be doing. unfortunately, the secretary left rather abruptly not too long ago, and the people left don't know how. which kind of surprises me, as i learned how to do it while i was home for the holidays. but this is besides the point, and i shouldn't complain about them as their jobs are hellish. i had to help out at the office once, and i was crying by lunchtime. the asshole part comes when my mom, who UNDER-charges for the charts (which pisses me off. she's worried about her income, yet she under-charges because she feels bad.) then tells the patients to PAY WHAT THEY FEEL THEY CAN PAY. and yet some of them still feel the need to complain and refuse to pay (when they don't even have to pay if they don't want to) because she "can't get anymore money outta me". well fuck you, how fucking inconsiderate of her to tell you you can have it for free.

it's so frustrating. half her patients aren't even supposed to be under her care. she took them because she felt sorry for them, and yet they act as if it was her responsibility to take them. idiots. they complain, but they refuse to piss off and help everyone out. i think my mom's so exhausted that she has no energy left to do anything but take it in stride. because otherwise it's unnatural for your head not to explode when the people you are keeping alive disrespect you after you give them a hundred-dollar document for free.

i realize i shouldn't be eating candy when i'm sick but the hospital pharmacy was selling 300g bags of licorice for only 50 cents/bag!

only i've just bitten into one, and i've realized why it was only 50 cents.

yesterday aiko and herpreet were making fun of the darkness's "i believe in a thing called love", but they wouldn't stop playing it.

i suspect herpreet thinks i'm making her sick. could be all the make-out seshes.

this candy was worth it.

you're the cutest thing that i ever did see
i really love your peaches
wanna shake your tree

that seems a lot less innocent, now that i've written it down.
steve miller, josie's gonna send you to hell.

alastair is cute. we are physics buddies. VOMITATIOUS? permaybe. my poor visual memory is well.. poor. i forget what he looks like. to be honest, the only reason i'm considering going to practice today is in case jeff goes, then i can trick him into telling me what he thinks of him (hah "trick" as in "jeff, how about that alastair guy?") but not before i figure out if alastair's mentioned me to jeff. have i read one too many cosmogirls/seventeen/ym's? you tell me. p.s. it really is true. i don't think any seventeen year olds read seventeen.

eunice missed the big ol' house meeting last night. everyone was in bed, and i was going up the stairs when she came in. it was about 1:30am. she was acting kind of strangely. i felt like such a mom. as if i had been staying up for her return so i could lecture her. she told me she was seeing finding nemo with lisa, "not hanging out with kevin. nope, i haven't seen kevin since last week." she cracked weird jokes and was acting all hopped up. maybe she just had to pee or something. i noticed she was wearing a lot of make-up. i should have said "are you wearing make-up?!" just to complete the motherly image.

anyway

let's start off with this:

it best showcases my white-latex swimsuit (i.e. bad swimsuit tan)

note: i was trying to create a "various" "mixed" etc, gallery for these and a few other pictures that don't really belong anywhere. all the names were taken so now i'm left with "ifeedbabiescrack".


the flash of the camera is misleading, but you can make it out. once you notice it, it's all you see. i can tell my housemates enjoy looking for it, and enjoy smiling at it everytime they see it.


one without flash. can't see it at all.

in my defense of talking so much about it but now having nothing to show, i guess the slight burn that was right under the untanned skin emphasized it all that much more.

by the way, few things make me feel stupider than taking serious pictures of myself.
so there it is.

JERKS.

hahahahahaha
sheila, alysa, and jenne.

i've started "a heartbreaking work of staggering genius", and so far it's so good.

i'm still sick. i'm eating some of the food my mom bought for me when she heard i was sick. basically pre-cooked pasta in some ginseng soup that she made a while ago. somehow it tastes like toast. toast soup.

i had a weird and boring and unsatisfactory dream last night. we were at the beach, and someone tricked me into sitting down with them and having them tell me their opinions on a neverending list of random topics like fly-fishing or flora of the bahamas. it turned out they were trying to tell me they had a crush on me. i made whoever it was mad, though. afterward i got suckered into buying a $7 reese's flavoured ice cream cone from a bitter ice cream kiosk lady. i was really thirsty (in dream, and real life) and this ice cream did nothing for either.

i skipped all my classes today, and slept instead. i literally slept all day. i feel better now, though. i think i look skeletal. it's kind of gross. back to my toast soup..

no naming; i don't recognize half these people. some faces are just two black lines.

i'm apprehensive about putting up gossip from acapulco here.

boy, it's good though. even better since you don't know who these people are.

there was a meet against u of t today, but i had to miss it because of my flu from hell.
i was worried i'd choke on my sputum last night.

i vomited today. it felt nice.

anyway, it's taken me the whole weekend + to finish the linear algebra homework. i'm a little keener; i finished the physics capa. i wonder why i'm taking chem if i don't want to anymore. i just feel behind in it, so i don't want to bother catching up.

my mom came to nurse me to health and we ended up getting in a fight.

everyone pulls me in different directions. it's as if they all know that other people are trying to shift my focus, so they try even harder and end up putting even more stress on me.

but considering everything, things are going well.

my mom received a hilariously pathetic letter from a "patient" in the mail.

conan's in toronto next month. i was going to reserve tickets today, but my lack of a voice proved to be quite the obstacle.

i left a breathy/wheezy message on gaye's machine.

i went out with jane, sam, adam, sam's boyfriend (chris from u of guelph), and geoff, sam and chris' friend who goes to mac on friday. jane had her car, so we thought to go to the movies in ancaster. unfortunately, ancaster only exists if you approach it from brantford, as we found out. i think the five of them go out to movies and such often. geoff is a really funny guy, with the same humour as my brothers. we turned off the highway and he saw a sign up ahead that said "mud street". "awww we could have gone to mud street!!"

we made it to a random theatre in brantford only to see that it was closed. there was an old, white-haired security guard who looked and talked like he belonged in a western. he was saying things like, "you must not be round these parts, why the only thing open at this hour would be the macdonALds!" i couldn't look at him, i had to run away laughing.

we were lost and by then it was about midnight. we rolled across a bowling alley that was in the middle of nowhere. so we 10-pinned it up.

i left my mitts there, and just got them back today.

98% of the night was spent cramped in jane's car, but those were the best times.

adam has all the rookie girls on the team crushing on him. i've heard so many of them (actually just dee, nicole, and leah) say, "i don't want to like him, you know? but..." and so on. they all feel like they have a special connection with him. apparently he's seen as the most all-round attractive rookie guy. i thought he was pretty unattractive when i first met him. he seemed to always be angry, and always talked loudly and forcefully. i guess they like the fact that he's "ripped" and fast as well. when leah was discussing this with me, i told her how i though jeff was the more attractive one, and she said something about that probably being because we're both asian. "not that i'm being racist.."

...

more as it comes to me.

in acapulco, at our last dinner. this picture is a lot darker than the actual eating place was. we're in the hotel. it was hot. airy, no walls. no one looks like how they actually look. left to right: jen (1st year grad school), leah (note the cap tan), jo (3rd.. in back.. looking ready to kill someone), me, naomi (4th year), carly (naomi's sister, 1st year).

my tan is also not done justice. as i told shannon, picture will be taken tomorrow after class to showcase the wonder that is my goggle tan. "you look like rocky racoon" - aldo. great guy, aldo.

SWEET AAAASSS

I GOT AIKO'S ROOM!

aldo is here, and it's lease-sign/leaving-form time. i've decided to stay. i'm feeling nervous because i want aiko's room. he's letting us choose in order of who signed the orignal lease. since amoy and eunice are the only other ones staying, amoy gets first pick, then me, then eunice. eunice wants nico's room. i think i heard aldo just say "okay, so aiko's, then?" from downstairs. i had been following him around, hoping he'd let me sign first, but no, he's definately going by order of lease. i didn't realize i needed the next year's cheques ready (well, he requested it, but i have no cheques at all). i said, "i swear i'm good for it, aldo" without a second thought. i always knew i'd have to say that line sooner or later, to anyone. arg i really want aiko's room! it's the best one. i'm definately not going in the basement nor taking herpreet's. so if i don't get aiko's, i'm forced to take nico's. eunice will be annoyed, but she won't show it. sucks for her. it'll be extra zingy since she's been telling me all this time that she wants nico's. i think nico's might be smaller than mine right now. but it has two windows. no, it's the same size, probably. just shaped funny.

laura and a group of her friends are interested in this place, as is allison and a group of her friends. hopefully i have a good house next year.

acapulco:
"rediculous" was the new "clearly"

okay, gotta go.

it's five to two and i'm already finished class for today.

you'd think i was in arts. just kidding.

anyway, so far this semester is rocking AND rolling.
this morning's calculus was kind of intimidating. the class is surprisingly big, but there's only a few sections. it's in one of the temporary classrooms, which i actually enjoy being in, which is kind of ironic. i like missing the first two days of school. because once you get back, you're actually doing something, and you don't feel like you're wasting time.

all my classes definately have a different feel, like i mentioned yesterday.

i had bio after that. this term's bio is more evolution/ecology based, which i wasn't looking forward to, but today's lecture was good. the prof is charismatic and told us funny stories about his field research days when he shaved his beard, cut his hair, and convinced everyone he was his brother. everyone figured it out except his mentor, who would just look away while he made out with his wife. instead of a lecture it felt like a talk or show-and-tell. he had lots of slides and almost half the lecture was looking at interesting adaptations.

then physics. which is in the same room as last term's physics. the teacher is a definate physics prof. he was covered in chalk, and was very untidy. there's about a max of 12 people in that class. a guy named Alastair sat beside me. he had missed the first two days too, and it turns out he lives on the same floor as jeff from swimming (i may have referred to jeff as "the good-looking asian" in previous posts. everyone calls him j.loo haha). we made fun of jeff for a while. i was surprised he's a first year; he looks at least 3rd. he's in my calc as well, and we decided to do a cyclotron project/presentation together.

normally i'd be getting ready for my chem lab right now.

jeff is pretty flirtatious. but people think that we're going to hook up eventually because he tends to flirt with me the most. i also think it's because we're both asian and they (the team) think that that makes it more likely for a hook up as well. on the flight home, i was sitting in the centre seat with no one on my left, but with gord on my right. gord is really tall, so i moved to the seat on my left so he could sit sideways more comfortably. he joked about smelling and such. jeff had been sitting beside me, but once i moved over, he could bug me through the little gap between seats. he kept petting my head, or stealing my pillow, and other attention things. i had been sleeping and opened my eyes to his fingers about to grab my face from behind. i yelled, "oh my god, you're so creepy!" and everyone in the plane turned to look at gord, who is in his first year of grad school. since our team is so sex-obsessed, they probably thought the worst (but funniest).

jeff and i are pretty good friends, i guess. he gives me pillows, i give him clodhoppers. i don't think anything would ever happen between us, which is awesome.

grocery shopping later with leah, who i think i spend too much time with.

in acapulco i had my shoulders and legs looked at by the team chiro (steve) and team active release guy (nick). before letting me into the pool again to practice, gaye had a "talk" with me on deck. everyone else was swimming, so i figured this was pretty important. i was expecting to be inspired. instead he told me about how when he was young his grandma would make him really good meals whenever his mom didn't want him to because he'd drive his grandma around on fridays. then she made his sisters make him sandwiches becuase he was always swimming or working, and one time his older sister tried to make a really disgusting one for him, but he loved it and she got mad.
it's so gaye.

he often tells us "if you want to learn french, you don't study german" which is advice that would make sense if only he'd use it in remotely related contexts.

"gaye, my back itches"
"if you want to learn french.."

in acapulco, gaye swam a fifty of fly. he's a sixty-some year old man, and he got a time of 31.8 seconds. that's tenths off the world record, grey said. friggin' geeez. we got to get out of that work-out early because he agreed that if he got less than 32seconds, we could go.

everytime i look in the mirror, i think i'm dirty. i don't think i've ever been so dark. by the way, i haven't showered since coming back.

swimming in half an hour. more room clean up now.

i bought two pitas on purpose so i could save one for tomorrow.

they're pretty big, these pita pit pitas. i'm eating the second one now.

word on the street is allison and her cronies might move into this house for next year.

right now is the best time of school.

ah algebra was so cool today. i wonder if anyone has ever tried to marry an animal? mark sent me a postcard from cyprus, but he's in toronto right now. i can't believe how much i swam in the last 10 days. or the sets we did. i wish you could see my rediculous tan.

new years, leah overdrank. i didn't see her much, although we were roommates. cover was too expensive so we all stayed at the hotel, with our open bar (hooray for all inclusive). it was fun and promising until 10 minutes after midnight when leah passed out on kipp's shoulder while getting a picture taken with him. i had to drag her up six flights of stairs only to be repaid by having her spit vomit onto my foot while i'm trying to keep her head out of the puke bucket. she was balanced between the bed and the wall, one hand fully submurged in the vomit basket, the other one swatting me away.

the room smelt so bad that dee, nicole and i had to sleep on the balcony. how can one person make so much bad smell? it was vomitatious. we couldn't use our room/bathroom for the rest of the day. we were literally running through the room to the balcony, and we wouldn't let leah out. i was so mad. everyone else had a great time. i didn't go out for the rest of the camp either. we only had one day off, and that was new years day. meaning new years eve was the only night you could party yourself stupid and not die in practice.

maybe more later.

more acapulco, that is. more pita.. now!

i have goggle tan

and now that my white-latex swimsuit (i.e. bad tan lines) is in place, i am sitting to blog

a very crappy post.

i'm sure i'll elaborate later, but it was good. great, even. it was a life experience. by that, i mean that it was good because of the bad parts. connected with a few people. and honed my euchre skills. i guess that game have somewhat reconciled.

i attended my first class just now; linear algebra. it's in my favourite building on campus, hamilton hall, the big ol' math building. which is amazing. it's newly renovated, and was on the original six buildings. so it's very gothic and ancient looking from the outside, but once you step inside, it's elegantly futuristic without looking futuristic. it's the perfect math building with the walls made of chalkboard material, equations and sets written everywhere.. it's very streamlined. the lecture hall is kind of cramped and very steep, but that's cause they had to save space. it's all black. my teacher makes me laugh because he moves like a dancer. but he's exactly what you think of when you think of a math prof. he's kind of young, but i noticed a lot of my professors are younger looking than i thought they'd be. he's like a brunette mike, which makes me laugh even more.

the atmosphere of the class is pretty different from first term. a little more.. edgy? i like it that way. it feels more professional.

oh acapulco..

team melanoma!

gossip. and such. new years was an adventure of the vomiting kind. not by me. i was a reluctant victim (as opposed to the kind of victim who wants to be one?)

our last day went like this:

breakfast, swim, "lunch", nap, swim, something they somehow managed to convince everyone was dinner, bus, wait 3 hours, plane for 4.5 hours, bus directly to mac pool, swim. three pools in less than 24 hours. oy vey.

my goggle tan makes me look HOTTT

jay kay, y'all!


ahahaa

i showed leah some of my best dance moves. the "Angry Pirate" seemed to impress her the most.

okay, remind me to tell you about acapulco.

which means i'll probably not talk about it.

i have a meet this sunday against u of t. they had their training camp in florida, and chose to drive there. kipp said that two of their vans were in an accident, and someone got glass in their eye. i don't know how he found that out. it could be my cousin.

swimming season's almost done.

this is the last year for a lot of people.

bonded with sam. feel much better.

that's all for now. i'm gonna get started on my linear algebra cause it's what the kewl kids dew, yo! foshazzle.

kipp called today. stuff sucks. i'm leaving tomorrow.

ben b is over, and we're (ben, mark, andrew..) playing axis and allies. which sucketh as well.

rosco's on the floor being cute. i found him in the (closed) filing cabinet today. whoever put him there won't confess to doing it.

we all just decided to quit the game. it was a pretty boring one.

ba, gotta clean up.

joan curled my hair and put makeup on me. i feel gross. she bought me many gifts as well. my mom is mad at me, but not really AT me.

there's nothing to eat in this house (not really) and there's nothing to do (that's not quite true either).

so i've been eating ferrero rocher chocolates, laura secord truffles, nachos and salsa (mild. boo that.), and popcorn by the bags.. non stop. the chocolate is gifts for my mom from some of her patients. i love christmas for the chocolate. but seriously, i should consider eating something substantial, instead of filling my hunger with chocolate. it's pretty gross; i'm eating these ferrero rochers just to sate the bottomless pit that is my stomach. although, being surrounded by the open gold foils is kind of amusing. but then it gets to be depressing.

on friday (this is impressive, worth documenting..) i ate:
- 2 boxes of chinese take out (noodles and .. i think noodles. one box was large, the other was small)
- 1 box of kraft dinner (serves 4, i think it says? what a lie.)

in an hour. i literally woke up at quarter to 2, then just kept eating until the taxi took me to swimming. you bet i wanted to puke!

i kept it down with a box of wheat thins. A BOX. it is now empty.

i've also succumbed to the evil that is lactose-free milk. i still think the normal fart-inducing milk tastes better, but at least it's too much a hassle to go get the gassy milk.

so anyway, i'm not sorry at all. that's why i'm going to grab yet another 3-pack of ferrero rochers. and i mean 3-pack as in 3 packages of the packages that hold 3 ferrero rochers inside.

ugh.

i also ate a whole box of girl guide cookies. except that i was feeling generous (or malicious) and decided to leave one cookie for whoever found it next.

chris and andrew are on their way home. which means there'll be a super smash brothers bonanza tonight. we are the coolest kids i know.

i got my yearbook. the cover isn't as bad as i thought it'd be. i understand the complaints, though. but really, how good a cover can you expect when the theme is "where's the falcon?"

i've been feeling bitchy lately. luckily no fights with my mom since she picked me up from the hammer. it's good that i haven't been out much. i really like being away from people. like, people in general. walking through downtown, after doing bank-work for my mom, i passed some people on the sidewalk. strangers. but as usual, a few of them stared at me. i don't understand. is it because of my race? that wouldn't make sense, really. it wasn't quite rude-stare, but it was just a constant looking? .. which is basically the same thing. little kids do it a lot to me, and 99.99% of the time i'm in ttown when they do it. especially when i'm waiting to be picked up from the base pool, interestingly enough. i may sound paranoid, and that may be because i probably am, but i do think it's because i'm not white. did i ever tell you about the time i was waiting at the pool, and a little boy stared at me as he walked by, then told his mom (in french) that "that girl's chinese!" and since little boys all think alike, they must ALL be thinking that as they walk by..

i have half of a corn kernal stuck in between my teeth (i only have two teeth).

i was poking around my room (which seems very different. someone went into my closet, took out some of my clothes and put them on my desk. it was workers who were trying to see why my house is falling apart. i complained to my mom, and she said something like how she's such a bad manager of the house, and how i should fire her. haha) and found a lot of clothes i had forgot i had.

like my camp kitchi sweater. i once saw nick b wearing a camp kitchi ("catch the kitchi spirit!") t-shirt in st.peters. i never asked him about it. i wonder if we were there at the same time.

i've been watching a lot of tv. catching up, i guess. a lot of tv movies. there was that john cusack one where he is a horse breeder, this other one that i forget (what a good use of time, hm? i can't even remember the movie) and sugar and spice, the one where the cheerleaders rob banks. one of the cheerleaders is obsessed with conan o'brien. how funny is that.

i think michael jackson's innocent.

while looking through my closet, i realized i have three options for tomorrow's get-together.
a) look overly dressed up. be cold.
b) look skanked up. be cold.
c) dress regular. be warm.

my closet is the boss. i couldnt' find anything appropriate.

OH YEAH! it was horatio hornblower movies! hahahahhaa
a & e's horatio hornblower movies. i saw the latest two. hahahahahahhaha aaaahhh yes.

want mark to come home soon so we can go see the new lord of the rings.

yeeep.

dodododoo

a week and two days. then i'll be in acapulco. wanting to die. my palms are getting sweaty as i think of the training they'll make us do.

there's a get together planned for the sci centre kiddies for the 22nd. i used to try 110% to meet up with them, but i feel bitter for some reason. i feel like i tried so hard before and no one else did. which really doesn't quite compute. it's probably something else. i guess i'm tired of trying. plus the fact that no one has posted details of what's going on is starting to piss me off. see, this isn't something that would normally make me mad, yet it's making me mad. maybe it's all the chocolate i've been eating. i really have been quite hyper lately. good thing i have a helmet.

okay! bye!

i want to reread the book now.

i like writing things when i know people will read them, but lately i've been finding it kind of creepy. the fact that there's such a huge net of people who read each other's online journals. secret blog, here i come? maybe i'll make this private. i haven't been posting much lately anyway.

apparently i'm still alive. there's always more to talk about, but i don't feel like doing much of that.

someone on the tv just said "i pee blood!" in between sobs.

i'm thinking about not going to training camp next year. but i'll probably change my mind after i've gone.

the next few weeks are going to zip by.

so bye.

listening to my old playlist reminds me of all the times i stayed up till dawn writing last-minute essays, isus, and labs.


i'm feeling nostalgic.

i like this feeling.

pilate - into your hideout

or is it "into your hideout - pilate"?

ahh.. old winamp playlist. so many songs i have forgotten.. so many i wonder why they are still here. yet i refuse to delete them.

i want to go to spcss tomorrow. i have nothing all day.

except for swimming. but that's not really anything..

anyway:

i've been home for a little while now.

today i helped out at my mom's office a lot. she's been in a great mood lately. it's because of me. am i joking?

swimming was nice too. mike was coaching. there weren't very many swimmers. steph f's voice has changed. jenny isn't as crazy. this girl whose name i never learned, but i always chatted with her.. her hair is long now. brittney has longer hair. and just seems older. it's nice. i got a cap. hooraaaaaaw.

it'll be a little strange, to see the new team. "new" as in all the belleville swimmers who are on it now. i don't know anyone steph f or brittney were talking about. it already feels a bit weird when you realize the people you know best on the team are people you didn't talk to, really, when you were on the team. i guess devon is the only one.

the cfb pool is so nice..
the deck is huge. makes the pool look longer. the walls are slippery, and it's really deep, past my chin in the shallow end, if i stand flatfoot.

after i told mike my 50br time, he looked unimpressed and said "that's a race, 50br?" i said "shut up, of course it's a race! it's a hard race! you gotta sprint! i'd like to see you do it -- " and so on. i guess i wasn't very outspoken when i was swimming with them. he was amused, and exclaimed, "look at the mouth on her! who are you, stephanie or sandra?"

??

survivor joke. go figure.

umm what else. i skipped the hard sets. haw. mike helped me out with my technique a lot. t'was nice. he said that a 4th year UNB swimmer is coming to train with us soon (as in, over xmas break). mike was her coach when she was 9. her name is sienna. same as our car (har har... i'm trying, i swear). turns out UNB's team is going to acapulco for training camp too. they're also leaving on the 28th. it'd be neat to see her there. queen's is supposed to be coming as well. or maybe it was guelph. ah well.

things were very tense between my mom and i after the pick up. it was tense for about two days. today has been a lot better. it was bound to be like this. especially because my lies were revealed. white lies. but lies nontheless (nonetheless?)

while measuring my height on the scale, i imagined what it would be like to measure the height of a very short man (around 3 feet) who was wearing a suit. i asked my mom if she had any midgets or dwarfs for patients. she didn't understand at first. but then said no, she doesn't. "what about any people shorter than you?" she looked at me with a funny look and told me yeah, but then she told me that the really short people always say "oh dr.tung, you're even shorter than me!"

"i don't know why they always like to take jabs at me like that!"

i laughed for a long time.

while photocopying some charts, i accidentally read the first half sentence of someone's report from a specialist. it said: "thank you for referring this 32-year old girl..."

32 year old girl?

maybe she had a condition.
kidding? meh.

also, my mom is shockingly careless when typing referral letters. i caught one of many, which said that one patient suffered from "art disease" and "osteoporosisi" and asked the doctor to "plase follow u&see"

my mom told me funny stories about the model penis that sits on top of the fridge with the other models.
i said funny, not gross, you perv.

anyway, today was a pleasent day.

trenton is okay.

i have two new winter coats. the process of getting them was very very stressful. believe it or not, stressful for "family" reasons.

one is bright blue. and short. and puffy.

the other is long. and puffy (not as much), black. and hooded, with fake fur trim on the hood. basically, a newer model of my mom's long black hooded with fake fur coat that i like.

the second coat looks like a more socially acceptable version of my big but too small blue puffy parka.

or, my mom's. that i took.

excited for acapulco. scared to work hard.

anyway..

that song i put at the top of this post sounds very familiar.
i like it a lot.

i've been dancing a lot, lately.

yep.

i had more to say. i will probably remember later. when i'm away from a computer. will try to remember.
keep in the phonological loop. i want to actually remember the stuff i learned this term. i can't believe the amount of psychology i learned the day before the psych exam. it make you wonder if they could put more material into the course. no, wait. i take that back.

i had something to say... about something particular to something asian..

who knows.

hopefully i go to school tomorrow. and hopefully it is fun. i will try to remember to bring my camera. i hope i don't see anyone i don't want to see. they seem like cartoon characters, now that i think about them. seriously, how can someone so fake be real? they are comical. amusing. but pathetic.

julia, your emailed shocked me. but no awe (yes. i like to rehash freshly dead jokes)
um. i feel betrayed by joustin. what a jerk.

everyone come with me to spcss tomorrow. t'will be fun. we can go out for lunch and the super-seniors can skip their afternoon classes as we go hang out at the money-advance building that used to be ace's (i think it's money advance. maybe a rent-to-own? no.. poor ace's..). i have to avoid mrs. w (i forgot the algebra text book in the hammer).

there is something in my throat. my mom says it's probably reflux. she says everything is probably reflux. that or osteoporosis(i).

oh and tam^2? i found your needle. it literally has your name on it. i guess you were supposed to get it a long time ago, but no one could find it. lucky you, now you get to get it. haha. no, i think it's expired, so probably not.

i was looking forward to seeing spcss again, because i thought i would feel like how i felt while at swimming. but after reading emma's latest post, i know how i'll probably feel. which kind of made me want to go more.

andrew's exams haven't started yet. he's really stressed. poor guy. chris and andrew are home this friday (or this weekend, if we end up going to toronto to pick them up). i think mark is home on the 22nd. or 24th. it's complicated, now that he has a girlfriend. well, that's not what he said. but it's what we know. naureen. she doesn't seem his type. but at least she seems nice.

chris has a girlfriend too. lyn. murp. i've only seen a pic of her. he asked my mom if he could bring her home for a day. urg. i don't like her already. it's probably more to introduce her to his friends than to introduce her to us.

both relationships are inter-racial. both chris and andrew have complained about how asian girls only go for caucasian guys. it's a generalization, but it's got truth to it. there seem to be two stereotypes of asian girls.

my mom has taken to saying things like "oh maimai, set them up with nice girls! nice asian girls!" hahhaa so funny. i don't know any (haha emma and claire and teresa). um anyhoo. right. i remember tyler d asking me if i preferred my "own race" when it came to dating. this was his way of starting the conversation, but that's tyler for you. i think i said that if the impossible scenario came up where there were two guys, one asian, one not, and i liked both equally, and situation was just as favorable for both, and so on.. i'd go with the asian one. then, to be more specific, i'd pick a chinese guy over any other race. you writing this down, folks? because i KNOW you CARE SO MUCH.

i was going somewhere with this..

right. on my dad's side, of the three brothers, my dad was the only one to marry another asian. the wives of my uncles are caucasian. they have helped to shape a bias in my head. i don't want my brothers to marry someone who refuses to try strange looking/sounding/smelling food. who is so scared of heights she avoids elevators and high-rises. who doesn't see the importance in her children learning about their heritage and culture. who impart their xenophobic characteristics to their children. who have bratty kids. who have kids who can't speak chinese. who have kids who go through the "i'm canadian, not chinese" phase (although, i went through that as well). who call my grandparents "father" and "mum" but not "baba" and "mama". who calls moon cakes "cute". who only orders beef and broccoli dishes. who asks "what's that?" with a snear and a finger towards jellyfish or greenbean soup. who asks for coke when we're out at a nice chinese place. who doesn't give her kids a chinese name too. or.. who pushes the whole chinese thing too much (but who could do that more than what i'm doing now..?). who is married to my brother, but not to my family.

those were all starting to become about their future kids.

my mom wanted me to talk to my brothers about all this. it's interesting how they'd probably take me seriously, now. imagine telling my 13-year old self that.

after not having watched television for months, the first show i saw was the billboard awards. wow, jessica simpson and nick l are really boring. i felt embarassed for them and had to change the channel.

i feel like using emma's latest post as an excuse to flip out at all the people i dislike at spcss. but no, i shouldn't.

gooBA